[Dominant behaviors] [Submissive behaviors]
How to be Constructive, Productive and
Generally Nice at a Meeting
We are often aware of these behaviors in others, but not often enough are we conscious of how we ourselves are acting. Confronting the behavior of others before it gets out of control is key, as is checking ourselves and listening to honest critiques of our own behavior.
Creating an atmosphere of trust and comfort is essential for overcoming disruptive behaviors. If someone consistently dominates conversation and it’s disruptive to the group, try talking one-on-one with him/her to see what’s up. Don’t accuse; just observe.
* Hogging the show: talking, too much, too long, or
too loud.
* Problem solver: continually giving answers before others have had much
chance to contribute.
* Speaking in Capital Letters: give one’s own solution or opinion
as the final word on a subject, often aggravated by tone of voice or body
posture.
* Defensiveness: Responding to every contrary opinion as if it were a
personal attack, “People obviously didn’t understand what I
was saying. What I meant was…”
* Nitpicking: Pointing out minor flaws in others’ statements and
stating the exception to every generality.
* Restating: Stating in another way what someone else has just said perfectly
clearly. In other words, repeating someone else’s point as if it
were your own, as if you weren’t listening or as if it didn’t
have meaning when said by someone else, especially someone you don’t
feel is as important as yourself. Or, like saying the same thing over
again unnecessarily, etc.
* Attention-seeking: using all sorts of dramatics to get the spotlight
(as above).
* Put-downs and One-upmanship: “I used to believe that, but now”
or “How can you possibly think that?!”
* Negativism: Finding something wrong or problematic in everything.
* Focus Transfer: Transferring the focus of the discussion to one’s
own pet subject to give one’s own pet rap.
* Self-Listening: Formulating a response after the first few sentences,
not listening to anything from that point on, and leaping in at the first
pause.
* Inflexibility: Taking a last stand for one’s position even on minor
items.
* Avoiding Feelings: Intellectualizing, withdrawing into passivity, or
making jokes when it is time to share personal feelings.
* Condescension and paternalism: “Now, do any students or younger
people have anything to add?”
* Being On the Make: Using sexuality to manipulate others; not to be mistaken
with just flirting, being on the make is about power.
* Running the Show: Continually taking charge of tasks before others have
a chance to volunteer.
* Graduate Studentitis: Protectively storing key group information for
one’s own use and benefit.
* Speaking for others: “A lot of us think we should...” or “What
so and so really meant was...”
* Ending a statement with a question mark: “I really
disagree with that?”
* Self-Sabotage: “This is really stupid, but...” or “I
think that maybe I kind of feel strongly about this issue.”
* Stargazing: Idolizing more experienced or charismatic activists and
downgrading oneself in comparison.
* Walking on eggshells: Tailoring one’s comments to calm down or
soothe a volatile member of the group, holding back words for fear that
they will upset someone.
* Deferring to others: “Go ahead...” or “You were first...”
or “l think he is more qualified...”
* Pushover: Abandoning an idea or opinion at the first sign of disagreement.
* Feeling Expendable: Assuming your opinions are irrelevant or naive;
imagining oneself as a faceless observer.
You’ve probably seen most of these in action and used a few yourself. But don’t take this as a list of “no-nos”. Consider it a guide to finding a balance between the opposite sex-roles we’ve been taught. Although it is true at there are bossy women and silenced men, these are called “sex-roles” because our social conditioning pressures men to seize the dominant, “take charge” role and teaches women to adopt the passive, subordinate model. To change this predicament, everyone must participate fully in a manner true to her or himself without dominating the meeting.
